Don't Make Me Change My Mind

Looking back on this year I realize that I have learned more, experienced more, and changed more than I ever have before.  This year was huge for me. I don't know if I should make a list of all I learned or just try to sum it all up.  I made so many mistakes, chose most of the wrong paths, and just generally screwed up for the most part.  But looking back, I don't know if I would change any of it.  Sure, maybe I wouldn't have procrastinated as much.  But honestly, what would I have missed out on then?  I had some of the best times of my life this year as well.  It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I was in high school this year.  College is all that fills my mind.  I was in love this year.  I was loved this year.  I was destroyed this year and I destroyed others.  I got the worst grades of my life, but I got more out of my classes this semester than I got out of all of them in high school.  I graduated this year and experienced a lot of "lasts."  On the other hand, I also experienced a ton of "firsts."  Not all of them were good.  I got my first B...and my first C.  I shared a bed with a guy for the first time and became utterly, completely broken for the first time.  This led to me turning numb for the first time and slipping back into a depressed state for, unfortunately, not the first time.  I lost two of the best friends I've ever had this year.  But in spite of all that, I fell back in love with God like never before, I felt more alive than ever, I gained true, life-long friendships, I discovered more of who I really am, I learned that I'm always going to be searching and that I don't have to be completely healed to heal someone else, I figured out how much people really look to your actions and words as indications of your character, I learned that I can't always save everyone, but that is exactly who I am, that is my job, I am the "control-freak" in some sense, I don't have to be in control, but I need to know that everything is under-control.  That's really really hard sometimes.  Because, often, God is the only one in control.  I just have to learn to be more trusting.  This year I have discovered, and wronged, and messed up, and learned, and grown, and I don't think I would change any of it.